Updated: Oct 14, 2020
‘Take Root’ is what calls to me. Red floods my vision. I just want to feel genuinely loved. You know that kind of love that you feel when your mother holds you tight in her arms, while she kisses your head and tells you that everything is going to be ok? You take a deep, releasing breath that flows outward letting go of all the tension. That moment in time when you slump, using all of gravity, to be eternally supported in her healing embrace. My Soul needs to feel this. It is nourishment for all that ails a sick and abused Soul.
I must admit that there have been some beautiful occurrences during these sheltering times. I must also admit that these sheltering times have brought up the worst of anger, fear, worry and stress. Just imagine it like you are standing in the middle of the road, being engulfed in a thick, swirling fog. There is no clear road forward or behind you. It is all different, for better or for worse. My sun sign of Taurus has an extremely difficult time with change. I am into having the routine that works with a reliability, like the sun setting every evening. My body functions its best with this comfort of knowing and reasonable expectations that don’t swing to far off course. I don’t know about you, but this shit is hard. Even the comfort of my home has been a source of stress, since there really isn’t anywhere to be or go.
Seven years ago, I had surgery on the left side of my neck. The year prior I woke up on a Tuesday morning with a giant lump covering a portion of my throat. It was the afternoon, newborn in tow, when I finally took a moment to look in the mirror. There it was. Overnight, my body had physically manifested a three-inch-long lump that protruded past my jawline. I thought to myself, “How did I miss this? Where did it come from?” This was a wake-up call that I could not ignore. It represented my inability to feel heard or been seen in my current life situations. It was a moment in my life that had to be dealt with in the most graceful of ways. I was a new mother, living with family, with a partner that didn’t want to be with me, and my fantasy of family life was shattered into a million pieces. It was a lot. I felt unheard but thankfully not helpless.
The relationship dissolved and I had to make some big decisions about moving forward for myself. The first step was therapy with a woman that opened my eyes and changed my entire perspective. Yes, I have trust issues in myself. Yes, I have mommy and daddy issues. Yes, I had a hard time loving and accepting myself. Yes, I had all these things that flared up the hurt little girl inside of me. Yes, I could finally give them a voice and the attention that they deserved to be seen, heard and acknowledged. That felt so empowering. The lump on my neck was still there but I held my head high to wear it unashamed. It was a part of me, telling the world that something was up but I was willing to do the work. Cracked but not broken. I didn’t want to be fixed. I needed to see clearly and grow from this. (I wore it so well that my next boyfriend didn’t even see it on me, even though it was clearly there.)
The work didn’t stop there. After a period of three to four months, it was time to transition from sifting through the shit. I had a handle on it and the skills to recognize when it couldn’t be ignored. I learned so much about myself through talking, crying and laying on the couch in heavy silence. It was time to shift in my body and to focus on what was right. Where in my body had overflowing permission and safety? There had to be ease in there somewhere.
My path continued onto a road less travelled with doctors who showed me the way into myself. It was an opportunity to take responsibility for my overall health and wellbeing. There were times that challenged my body and view of the world. There were times that left me expanded into the Universe. Though every time I got up off the table, I was more connected in my body. What a blessing to find this deep dive of connection inside of myself. It brought up hard truths sprinkled with strokes of insight. My journey started to become clearer, the fog beginning to lift all around me. I could start to see where I had been and how that road looked. My internal vision was able to see what may lie ahead of me. As my body began to relax, I could even see things that had always been there but was blind to.
By the time that I opted for surgery, the lump in my throat had subsided. My ENT doctor was the best and post op told me that it was a salivary gland that had been blocked, filling with blood. It wasn’t a concern and my bill of health was clean. Physically it was cleaned out and I was doing the work for a better, extraordinary life. The work existed in all the domains; physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, finances, career, social and family. So many things were turned upside down, inside out and couldn’t remain the same. Thank the Goddess for such growth. Thank God that I am the perfect person to work through this.
Fast forward to now, the left side of my neck is active again. It has been nothing dramatic, coinciding with terrible allergies, but my throat is cycling back around. At least this time I have the skills to see and feel it for what it is. Diving into the growth, like I jumped off a thirty-foot cliff into a dark, watery hole. It is exhilarating, nerve wracking and can’t be ignored. Well, it can be ignored, but we all know how that could turn out…. Not good. So, it is my personal responsibility to be aware and attentive to this thing that is happening all over again in my body. Entrainments, EPC and being gentle with myself is how I am successfully working through it.
The high cervical neck and the coccyx have relation to one another. My throat is an indicator that energetically I am not feeling safe or loved, which exists at the farthest reach of the tailbone. I can see it now. It manifests itself perfectly. Giving me the clues to sleuth out what it is that I need to pay attention to. Anybody else out there feeling unloved and unsafe in their world? I know I am. My body is telling me this without a doubt. So, what is there to do? Be with it. Grow from it. Utilize the symptoms, pathology, disease or pain to show you something new about yourself or something old that hasn’t been resolved. You can heal. You can grow. There is no going back to normal, only moving forward into grace, strength, safety and love.